Midnight confessions

I feel really lonely.

I am not a complete and utter loser (yet; unless I already am and at which point I should just stop now and shut up), but I think I just want company all the time. Is that selfish? I miss having a group of friends to go to, you know... "the girls." Am I making any sense? Well, I hope that isn't much to ask for because that is my prayer request. I want more friends. Heh.

Sigh* but I guess it comes down to the big guy upstairs and if he really did think I needed that group in my life, then I would have them...but I don't and I think thats what scares me. I am afraid because yet again I am trying to take my own life into my own hands and I am not allowing Christ to take control. asfdlk;asdlfkljsdf (can you sense the frustration arising?)

I wake up each morning to greet these struggles and by the time the sun sets--which is when I usually get all my thinking done--it always come down to one thing: trust. If that isn't something I haven't dealt with before? Story of my life. TRUST.

Ok fine. I give up. You win. I trust you.

Yours truly,
Yours

I want a Vente cup of Change.

Lately I have been learning a very tough lesson. Knowing me and knowing how stubborn I am, it is really hard for me to embrace change or the belief that people can change. And for the longest time I have held these preconceived notions about certain people that I have held grudges towards and it has limited me from really being able to enjoy friendships that could potentially be edifying on both ends. People can change but only through the absolute love and power of Christ and Christ alone. It has only been clear to me NOW that I have missed out on very beautiful friendships because of the bitterness that I carried and for what purpose? To prance around in my 'holier than thou' attitude and judge everyone who has wronged me? As much as Jonah wanted justice, I'm not willing to look like a freaking fool to do so.

So in that sense, I want more change, I want to never be the same again and I want to be able to love others through this sacrificial love that Apostle Paul talks about. If the cost is walking in the love that Christ calls us to, even if that means abandoning all of ourselves in order to do so, then I am willing--even if it does take a bit of force.

I love the Lord not because of what he does for me but simply because of who he is and for who I am because of him.

These blogs aren't for others to read so that they may understand me a lot more but for the mere declaration of Christ's love in my life and how I am becoming the Deborah that I was called to be. I pray that one day, my life will be so fruitful that these blogs won't be necessary for me anymore, but that in every word spoken, and every action done, will be a testimony to how wonderful God is. It is kind of sad that in this life, I will never really fully comprehend or know the God who knows me. :T

Hugs and kisses!

www.theaggie.org

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Let me clarify a few things. I sound extremely contradicting in all my entries but I refer to different types of change in my entries.
Sigh* but its interesting to see how I have changed...