A little girl in a big world

I can't hear my thoughts right now. Lady Gaga is playing way too loud in Griffin Lounge and I keep eyeballing my cup of Columbia-brewed coffee that is on the verge of becoming lukewarm — which is kind of where I am at. Ha! The irony of life makes for a great comedy.

But, I am putting my earphones in, sipping my coffee, (I am so used to omitting the comma because of the Aggie style guide) and now I will do what I originally revisited this site to do: to confess a few things.

I miss the dear old years when I could wear frilly skirts and dresses because of the way it felt when the fabric and wind danced together every time I twirled around — I loved the way it felt on my skin. But now getting older, I have to worry about not looking like a hippie, that I wear the right undergarments, and (in all seriousness) the wind making me look like a candid Monroe.

I think as people — and both genders can relate I think — that at a point in which it is time to move forward, we look behind us. And that is simply because we want to reflect on what we have done, what we haven't, and what we hope to do. Vaguely speaking, as self-centered individuals, we love to obsess about the past. I guess in that sense, I've been thinking about the past way too much (lately). Does that make me even more self-absorbed then most people? Probably more than those who choose to deny it.

What I am trying to say is this: I miss the little girl that was able to look at the world through a simpler context. The world is scary isn't it? Postgrads know more about this than I do I'm sure but, as I get bigger, so does the world. Ugh, and for any of you Photoshop neophytes or n00bz, ignore this next sentence. I feel like the image of the world is constraining to proportions when we change the resolution in each step forward in our lives.

Remember the days when we thought that we could take on the whole world because of the lies that fairy tales and Disney movies instilled in us? Don't get me wrong, I love Aladdin and Cinderella and I am not being pessimistic. I do have hope. But, we are led to falsely believe that we will be swept away by a prince on a Stallion to be saved from our existing lives. And, in some naive belief, we somehow create a new life in a dream castle with a million servants that we don't need, abandoning our homes, with this supposedly ideal, on the verge stranger of a man. This doesn't exactly speak any truth to little girls around the world. And if by chance any little girl is reading this... DON'T LET SOME STRANGER PICK YOU UP IN HIS WHITE STALLION AND KIDNAP YOU!!

Anyway, I'd like to think of myself as an individualistic person. Yeah, we may all struggle with codependency and I can't exactly say I've been much of an individual for that long since I just got to college about a year ago and started to provide for myself (financially) at the beginning of this school year. I hate to admit it, but sometimes I just want to be held for the briefest moment and told that everything will be okay. I want to be told that the world really isn't as harsh and cruel as the movies make it out to be, even though in the back of my mind I would know that that was complete and total bullshit. In some twisted way, I want to be told the lies that Disney had once told me a while back — well, probably not that long ago since I just re-watched Beauty and the Beast. I swear to you, its all of those damn movies as a little girl.

So, despite the fact that I will no longer be in my teens in a society where kids are considered a legal adult after only 18 years of age, I still so desperately cling on to any ounce of little girl left in me just so that I can have the excuse of blaming my stupidity for naivety. And no matter what age I may be, I will always love Disney movies even if I know that every time I watch Snow White or Little Mermaid I am lying to myself.

I hope all of you find your way in the big world some way or another. . Don't be afraid to stop to ask for help when you're lost because sometimes it's okay to be little again even if it's just pretend.

Midnight confessions

I feel really lonely.

I am not a complete and utter loser (yet; unless I already am and at which point I should just stop now and shut up), but I think I just want company all the time. Is that selfish? I miss having a group of friends to go to, you know... "the girls." Am I making any sense? Well, I hope that isn't much to ask for because that is my prayer request. I want more friends. Heh.

Sigh* but I guess it comes down to the big guy upstairs and if he really did think I needed that group in my life, then I would have them...but I don't and I think thats what scares me. I am afraid because yet again I am trying to take my own life into my own hands and I am not allowing Christ to take control. asfdlk;asdlfkljsdf (can you sense the frustration arising?)

I wake up each morning to greet these struggles and by the time the sun sets--which is when I usually get all my thinking done--it always come down to one thing: trust. If that isn't something I haven't dealt with before? Story of my life. TRUST.

Ok fine. I give up. You win. I trust you.

Yours truly,
Yours

I want a Vente cup of Change.

Lately I have been learning a very tough lesson. Knowing me and knowing how stubborn I am, it is really hard for me to embrace change or the belief that people can change. And for the longest time I have held these preconceived notions about certain people that I have held grudges towards and it has limited me from really being able to enjoy friendships that could potentially be edifying on both ends. People can change but only through the absolute love and power of Christ and Christ alone. It has only been clear to me NOW that I have missed out on very beautiful friendships because of the bitterness that I carried and for what purpose? To prance around in my 'holier than thou' attitude and judge everyone who has wronged me? As much as Jonah wanted justice, I'm not willing to look like a freaking fool to do so.

So in that sense, I want more change, I want to never be the same again and I want to be able to love others through this sacrificial love that Apostle Paul talks about. If the cost is walking in the love that Christ calls us to, even if that means abandoning all of ourselves in order to do so, then I am willing--even if it does take a bit of force.

I love the Lord not because of what he does for me but simply because of who he is and for who I am because of him.

These blogs aren't for others to read so that they may understand me a lot more but for the mere declaration of Christ's love in my life and how I am becoming the Deborah that I was called to be. I pray that one day, my life will be so fruitful that these blogs won't be necessary for me anymore, but that in every word spoken, and every action done, will be a testimony to how wonderful God is. It is kind of sad that in this life, I will never really fully comprehend or know the God who knows me. :T

Hugs and kisses!

www.theaggie.org

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Let me clarify a few things. I sound extremely contradicting in all my entries but I refer to different types of change in my entries.
Sigh* but its interesting to see how I have changed...

Psalm 39:2-3

I've been quiet for too long.
Friends. Check.
Diary. Check.
www.xanga.com/xkarez. Check.


Last week was a very complete week--and what I mean by complete is that there was a definite beginning and end; but in retrospect, this is just the beginning. I don't remember the last time I have felt so at peace with what God was doing in my life. I have come so far in who I have become within the identity of Christ. That's the thing, you can never be the same once Christ has reigned over your heart simply because he is a ever perfect God that perfects us forever. At times I am so surprised with who I am and where I am. Where am I at? I am at a place where God is cutting off the unfruitful branches in my life--that is, cutting off the people who tear me down and whom I have an unhealthy emotional attachment to. It has been gradual, painful, and all the more assuring that his hand is yet the only hand over my life. I've come to this conclusion that God is a very, very, very jealous God. He wants me all to himself and in the most gentle, loving way...allows me to deal with my painful past and present. Just as a mother must let the baby cry it out, last Monday was my cry for more than just to be held. I wanted to be healed.

Time to release
Time to cope
Time to lose
Time to myself
Time




For old times sake.
Haejin, I miss you.
Lois, I will miss you.







Love,
Dove